Personal

Do I even want that life?

I occasionally peruse the daily style blog of a med student at a prestigious school.  She is obviously very busy, of course, but lately I’ve found myself astonished at the fact that she seems to spend ALL her free time with her boyfriend.  Pictures of outings with girlfriends are few and far between and are usually limited to nights partying. But every Monday, here come the photos documenting the roadtrips taken with her boyfriend; the beers they sample, the food they eat, the cozy rooms at the bed and breakfasts where they spend their nights.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been reading “If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?” by Susan Page. It’s an awful, embarrassing title, but very useful.  So far it has helped me to identify the main reason why I am still thoroughly single: I don’t really want a relationship.

It is strange to admit this, to write this for public consumption. But the truth is, I am an introverted loner at heart. Not in the negative, “Be careful, this person might shoot us all” kind of way. I just enjoy my own company. I like being able to do what I want according to my own schedule.  Being around people for prolonged periods is exhausting to me.  This is why I don’t party very often.  It takes me much too long to recover.  It zaps my energy.  I feel like I have to be “on.” I have to make a lot of effort to laugh and smile and be charming and interesting.  So I’d rather spend my time by myself, reading a book, eating good food, practicing yoga.  One-on-one time with friends is cool, but at the end of the day, I still just want to go home and relax. I’m like, “Okay, you’re great. Now I just want to chill by myself.”

And if this is how I really feel– if I truly prefer to be alone for the majority of my time– how am I ever supposed to be in a relationship?

I think another factor in this is that it has been so extraordinarily long since my last relationship. I’m not that person anymore, and I cannot recall what it is like to actually want to spend that much time with one person.  Seriously. I look at that girl’s pictures incredulously and I think: Does she ever do anything with her free time besides spend it with her boyfriend?  Just the idea of it makes me feel stifled.

I don’t want that life.  I know I don’t.

Now I just have to figure out what I *do* want, which is probably going to be a tough, tough thing.

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