Goals

Weekly Goals

I used to have a goal group. I got the idea from Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want, by Barbara Sher. I never actually finished the book, but I got far enough to decide that a group of my friends, dedicated to meeting about, discussing, and achieving our goals would be beneficial.  I think the last time we met was in April– it was Easter Sunday, and one of our members fell asleep, while the rest of us made a salad and drank South African viognier.  We discussed our goals for only the briefest moment, then went back to our conversation about our fun times in college. Not exactly productive.

Since our group is now, in all likelihood, defunct, I’m going to use my blog to keep me accountable.  Without further ado, my goals for this week are as follows:

  1. Schedule appointments with my dermatologist (9/20/12 at 4:00 pm), gynecologist (9/26/12 at 5:45 pm), general physician (10/5/12 at 9:30 am), dentist (I called, no answer. Will try again tomorrow!), physical therapist (9/24/12 at 4:00 pm).
  2. Attend a Weight Watchers meeting. (down 4.4 lbs., woot-woot!)
  3. Renew gym membership. (accidentally renewed for a month.  stupid Bally’s website is so difficult to use.  when this month is up, I’ll renew for another year.)
  4. Decide which MFA programs I am applying to and create  information chart.
  5. Finish reading Wishcraft!
  6. Clear out my holds by COB Thursday.

Let’s have a good week!

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General, Personal

What are you afraid to do?

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I came across this image yesterday during my daily Pinterest perusals. I’ve been hearing various iterations of this statement for a while now, but didn’t really think about what it meant until last night. Confronting your fears is difficult stuff.  So what am I afraid to do?

  • I’m afraid to move out. I’m afraid I won’t make it on my own and I’ll have to go back to Marvs with my tail hanging.
  • I’m afraid of applying to MFA programs…because I’m afraid of rejection.
  • I’m afraid to lose the weight.
  • I’m afraid of being alone forever but I am also afraid to let anyone get too close to me. Arms distance, always, everyone, even people I love.

Those are the major things.

Will I do them?  Maybe. Possibly. Probably. On my own time.

Baby steps.

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General, Personal

Gratitude

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I drive to work every day.  I’ve been making this particular commute for so long now that it has become mindless. I get in my car, I adjust my mirrors, and pull off. Before you know it, I’m in my parking space, then I’m at my desk, checking my e-mail and monitoring the queue.

Not long ago, I was on my way to work when I noticed the billboard above, hovering over the Major Deegan Expressway.  There was an accident blocking the left lane, and though I was one exit away from my own, it would take me another half an hour to get to work.  I can’t say I’d ever really looked at the many surrounding billboards before– usually I speed past them as fast as I [legally] can, trying to make it into the building by 8 am.  But I was stuck in traffic, frustrated, and bored, and when I looked up, there was a sign: Gratitude.

A few days later, on my way home from work, I noticed another, similar sign.  This one said: We live in a beautiful world.  I will admit, it  made me frown.   I was sitting in traffic– AGAIN–this time on the Van Wyck Expressway, nearing JFK.  I saw nothing beautiful around me, only smog and angry cab drivers and litter.  I just wanted to get home.

But of course, the next morning, here’s this sign reminding me to be grateful.   I thought: well, I’m grateful the traffic isn’t as horrible today. And that made me laugh.  So now I’ve got these every day reminders– what are you grateful for this morning?  Can you find the beauty around you?

I did a bit of digging and found that these billboards are the work of artist Peter Tunney.  You can read a bit more about him here, here, and here.

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Personal

Do I even want that life?

I occasionally peruse the daily style blog of a med student at a prestigious school.  She is obviously very busy, of course, but lately I’ve found myself astonished at the fact that she seems to spend ALL her free time with her boyfriend.  Pictures of outings with girlfriends are few and far between and are usually limited to nights partying. But every Monday, here come the photos documenting the roadtrips taken with her boyfriend; the beers they sample, the food they eat, the cozy rooms at the bed and breakfasts where they spend their nights.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been reading “If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?” by Susan Page. It’s an awful, embarrassing title, but very useful.  So far it has helped me to identify the main reason why I am still thoroughly single: I don’t really want a relationship.

It is strange to admit this, to write this for public consumption. But the truth is, I am an introverted loner at heart. Not in the negative, “Be careful, this person might shoot us all” kind of way. I just enjoy my own company. I like being able to do what I want according to my own schedule.  Being around people for prolonged periods is exhausting to me.  This is why I don’t party very often.  It takes me much too long to recover.  It zaps my energy.  I feel like I have to be “on.” I have to make a lot of effort to laugh and smile and be charming and interesting.  So I’d rather spend my time by myself, reading a book, eating good food, practicing yoga.  One-on-one time with friends is cool, but at the end of the day, I still just want to go home and relax. I’m like, “Okay, you’re great. Now I just want to chill by myself.”

And if this is how I really feel– if I truly prefer to be alone for the majority of my time– how am I ever supposed to be in a relationship?

I think another factor in this is that it has been so extraordinarily long since my last relationship. I’m not that person anymore, and I cannot recall what it is like to actually want to spend that much time with one person.  Seriously. I look at that girl’s pictures incredulously and I think: Does she ever do anything with her free time besides spend it with her boyfriend?  Just the idea of it makes me feel stifled.

I don’t want that life.  I know I don’t.

Now I just have to figure out what I *do* want, which is probably going to be a tough, tough thing.

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